Sunday, 1 April 2007

Guilty Pleasure

Okay, okay, I admit it. I sneaked into another showing of 300 at Aberdeen after last week’s pre-party performance in Edinburgh. Despite the fact that the men’s tits were larger than the women’s, the film was bloody quotable and it appealed to the 13 year old boys within all of us. Let’s see…. barbaric beheadings. Homeric honour. Leprous lesbians. Mutant monsters. Nubile nipples. Treacherous troglodyte. Video-game violence. This isn’t an accurate National Geographic history lesson.

It’s also not simply a David and Goliath film. It’s more primal than that. The audience is treated to wave after ejaculate wave of countless barbaric hoards trying to penetrate the narrow vaginal pass to deflower virginal Greece whilst like a good Dutch Cap, the small group of elite Spartan hoplites repulsed the ineffectual spermatozoon soldiers at the vulval Hot Gates. Sigmund would have approved.

It was also educational. We learned, for example, that life in Sparta was hard for women. If they weren’t thrown off precipices as babies, they lived on one as adolescents with lascivious old Sith Lords or got rammed by Persian traitors, even if you’re the Queen. PLUS they had to give birth to Spartan men. Whereas men only had to fight off wolves with oversized toothpicks. AND SHOUT A LOT. BUT THE SPARTAN SHOUTING MUST BE QUOTABLE IN A PUB!!!11111111 To wit: “SPARTANS!!! Ready your breakfast and eat hearty, for tonight we DINE in HELL!!!” You see, try that when you order your pub lunch in a pre-football gathering and it won’t go amiss. Just don’t dress like a Spartan unless it’s a stag night.

One advice: Don’t spoil it by trying to over-analyse and extrapolate such a primal story to current events in the Middle East. Enjoy it for the Saturday night stupidity that it is and save the cerebral political pontificating on a sober Sunday afternoon with other serious minded souls who ‘don’t get it’.

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